It's been one week

Dear Lulu,

It's been one week since something horrible happened.  It was something so terrible that I couldn't tell you about it.  You are still so young and innocent and you worry when things aren't safe, or when someone is hurt.  So of course, I couldn't tell you. But someday when you're older maybe you will read this and know how it affected me.
It's been one week since 20 children, all ages 6 and 7, were killed while they were at school.  They were in 1st grade and had just started their Friday like any other normal school day.  6 teachers and administrators died too.  A man with no connection to any of them shot them all and then took his own life.  I don't know how someone could even think of something like this, and then carry it out.  It was so unexpected.  It was so unfair.  It was so evil. It was so horribly sad. It happened across the country from us in Connecticut, but our entire country has mourned.
It's been one week since I learned of the tragedy, but I can't stop thinking about the young lives that were cut short. I know the children are in a better place now, but they shouldn't be there.  They should still be here. The gunman stole their childhood.  They won't get to anxiously wait for Santa, or place their teeth under their pillows, or giggle all night with their best friends at a sleep over. He stole their first kisses.  He took away their marriages, their babies, their grandbabies.  He robbed 20 mommies from the joy of raising a beautiful child right now.
One little girl in particular, who happened to originally be from Utah, reminded me so much of you.  She had long blonde hair and a sweet face with big eyes.  She loved to color and make cards for people.  She was the big sister in her home.  There were a lot of similarities between the two of you.  Her name was Emilie. When I see her picture, I think of her poor mommy.  Even though I don't want to, I try to imagine what it would be like to lose you, especially in the way this little girl died.  I can only guess at how sad it would be to tuck your kids in at night and see an empty bed.  I can't even imagine the pain the mother must feel when she sees the clothes Emilie wore last week.  Maybe they are still dirty and still smell like her.  I think how sad she must be to see Emilie's favorite stuffed animal still on her bed.  I hate to think of her seeing Emilie's stocking with her name on it, and her presents wrapped and under the Christmas tree. It makes me cry to think of her hugging the last card Emilie made for her mommy, and watching videos where her 6 year old was laughing and living life to the fullest.
Right now I could write about violence, or about guns, or mental illness, but what I want you to hear from me (some day when you read this) is that God was there that Friday morning.  He wasn't punishing anyone, or turning his face from it.  He saw it all, and He cried from heaven at the hurt that He saw happening.  But He didn't stop it.  Agency, one of His greatest gifts, let the gunman make this choice.  There will be justice.
I also believe that if bad things only happened to bad people we wouldn't live by faith.  We would be only be good because we knew bad things would happen to us otherwise.  God wants us to be good because we believe in life after death.  He wants us to be good because when we make that choice without being forced to, and not out of fear, we are happy!  We are here on Earth to learn and improve and to be happy. Our true character will shine through, and God will see what we have become.
And so, bad things happen to bad people and to good people too.  Bad things happen because we live in a mortal world, and because people have agency.  I hope you will feel in your heart that this is true, and live life without fear or worry.  God sees what we go through, and He comforts us whenever we need it.  Heaven knows 27 families are feeling it now.
I'm so thankful for each day that I have with you Lulu.  You certainly brighten my world.  I am doing my best at raising you and your brothers.   I'm grateful to be your mommy.  My greatest hope is to make the world a better place, in my own small way.  I can see already that you feel the same way, and that makes me proud. 

Love you my princess,
Mom